Mom of Two Boys

Be Mine...

2012-02-16T00:39:00.001-06:00

Sometimes the man who claims he isn't very romantic...

Gets it just right...

Perfect in fact...

There is no one with whom I would rather spend forever...

My Wish...

2012-02-16T00:20:00.000-06:00

They were your candles...

But you are my baby...

Too little to wish for all you deserve...

So as we sang...

You smiled wide...

Showing those irresistible dimples...

And as you blew out your candles...
This Mommy wished for you...
For health...
Happiness...
A love like your Daddy and I...
Dreams that keep you reaching high...
Success that makes you proud...
And the knowledge that regardless of what your future holds...
You always have a place of unconditional love...
Unconditional acceptance...
A place you can forever call home...

Precious baby boy...

May all your wishes {and mine} come true...

Lesson Learned From The Bachelor...

2012-02-13T16:56:00.001-06:00

Ok, l have a confession...

I watch "The Bachelor"...

"The Bachelorette"...

And "The Bachelor Pad"...

In addition...

My husband watches all three of these as well...

In fact...

He will watch them without me...

{I probably should not disclose that...but I did}...

But more to the point...

They annoy me...

It's like a train wreck...

A scary movie where I peek through the fingers I have plastered over my eyes...

But last weeks episode resonated with me...

{I haven't watched it all YET...we have it on DVR}...

If you don't watch it...

Here is the low down...

There is this girl that everyone hates...

Everyone BUT the Bachelor...

In fact...

He is quite smitten...

Other girls insist on telling him she isn't the person he thinks she is...

Blah Blah Blah...

But it really doesn't matter...

And you know why?...

Ben explains it in last weeks episode...

She pays attention to him...

Quite simple actually...

While other girls are embracing the drama...

Trying to be friends with each other...

And forgetting why they are actually on the show...

Courtney stays focused...

She is a little evil...

Very manipulative...

But without a doubt going to win...

Because she makes him feel important...

Special...

Like she is "into him"...

She isn't playing coy...

Being mysterious...

She says...

"I like you"...

"I want you"...

"And I will show you every possible chance I get"...

"Even if it means every other contestant on the show hates me"...

At first I could not stand her...

But after a few episodes...

I recognized her...

She's the ex-girlfriend who constantly pursued {though some would say stalked} the man that she wanted...

The one whose girlfriends hated her...

Mostly because she wasn't giving up...

It didn't matter if she made enemies...

{And she made a few}...

What mattered is that she got him...

And eventually she did...

She is married to him...

Has two precious little boys...

And when they talk about the good ole' days...

He says her craziness never really made him mad...

In fact, he was flattered...

But this week the Bachelor of all things...

Reminded me that though this girl no longer needs to fight for her man {thank goodness}...

She does still need to show him attention...

Affection...

Gifts...

Kindness...

Flirting...

She needs to fit it in almost every single day...

And though there isn't a doubt in my mind Courtney will win...

Women all over will gasp and shake their heads in disbelief wondering how he could've chosen HER...

When really if you think about it...

It is quite simple...

He is flattered...

You Are Super, Valentine...

2012-02-10T17:01:00.000-06:00

This year the boys chose Batman and Spiderman Valentines...

{I was surprised they passed on Hot Wheels, Cars and Toy Story...}

And because I am obsessed with themes...

I believed their Valentine boxes should match their Valentines...

Aidan's box needed to be at school today...

After a few or so hours spent cutting, hot gluing and spray painting...

This was the end result...

I have to say when Aidan walked in and said...

"That is awesome"...

I knew it was hours well spent...

This weekend I work on Kam's...

Any suggestions for Spiderman?...

DIY Boot Toppers...

2012-02-08T15:33:00.001-06:00

I saw and pinned posts on boots and knee socks...

But I could not find socks like the ones above...

So...

I made my own by taking an old J.Crew cable knit sweater...

And cutting its' arms off...

BUT...

The legwarmers were too thick for my boots...

Then I found and pinned these...

This morning the light bulb came on...

And I cut my DIY legwarmers once again...

Big and bulky became this...

LOVE them!...

You could also use just regular socks with holes in the toes...

Cut the tops off and voila...

Oh the possibilities...

What do you think?...

My Forever Valentine...

2012-02-08T08:17:00.000-06:00

Today you celebrate your 3rd birthday at school...
My blue-eyed Valentine...

Yet it doesn't seem possible...
You aren't a baby anymore...

Long gone are bottles of gunk...

Ginky and Guck...

Yet it feels like yesterday...

I met you for the first time...

Immediately falling head over heels in love...

All worries that I could not love two fading away...

As I held you in my arms...

Funny...

Demanding...

Crazy about your big brother...

Mimicking him...

Yet a person all your own...

Our baby...

Our blessing...

Our Valentine...

Not Everyone Will Like My Blog...

2012-02-05T17:57:00.000-06:00

A long, long time ago I realized not everyone would like me...

I fight for what I want...

Have opinions I often express...

And will speak up about things in which I believe...

A lot of people love me...

However, some do not...

And though it took years...

I realized the more comfortable I was in my own skin...

The less I cared about who did and did not want to "be my friend"...

The ones who truly mattered were only ones I had the time and energy about which to worry...

When I started my blog, I was surprised that people actually took the time to read it...

People I didn't even know would say some of the kindest, most encouraging things...

But what I really wasn't prepared for...

What surprises and disappoints me the most...

Is that people I do know...

Take my blog as an opportunity to leave negative "anonymous" comments...

And though I accept that not everyone will like my blog...

Anonymous commenters who take the time to call me "smug and preachy" confuse me...

Because reading my blog is definitely NOT mandatory...

And if I insult you by simply writing about how MY life changed when I married my husband and had my boys...

Then I would suggest you simply stop reading my posts...

Because I will not stop blogging about these "offensive" topics...

And I hope that if you continue to read my blog that you take the time to comment nicely or not comment at all...

She Knows Love...

2012-01-31T17:08:00.000-06:00

When I look at the younger version of myself...
The "me" of my 20's...
I see a very shallow...
Self-centered...
Lost...
Woman...
Someone who thought she had the world by its tail...
I pity her...
Why would I pity someone who jets to New York for Valentine's Day?...
Shops as a hobby...
Never goes without working out 3 times a week...
A mani/pedi twice a month...
An immaculate home...
Because she didn't know love...
Because though she would never admit it...
She was sad...
Because she often wondered is this as good as it gets?...
By putting her happiness in the hands of the tangible...
She was never truly happy...
And then she married him...
She gave birth to them...
And everything that could change did...
And finally she knew love...
The kiss of a man she truly wants to be with for the rest of her life...
The arms of her children wrapped around her neck...
Complete and utter choas...
Days of failure...
Tears and frustration...
But always love...
Being the best Wife and Mom she can be...
Never enough...
But always loving...
Never doubting she's happy...

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Valentine Decorating...

2012-01-29T01:16:00.006-06:00

The Mantel...

I let my boys help me decorate and used their little handprints in a wall hanging...

I used styrofoam balls decorated with tissue...

The Sofa Table...

And my favorite part of our decor...

An Aidan Kale original...

A priceless piece of art...

Our Family...

My definition of LOVE...

A Long Overdue Fashion Post...

2012-01-26T11:26:00.001-06:00

For a while I just didn't feel like blogging about fashion...

Or what I wore...

I guess I was in kind of a FUNK...

I don't have a full length mirror...

I forget to take pictures...

The list goes on...

But lately I have felt the stirrings of a fashion post...

And today is the day...

All over blog land and pinterest I have seen awesome ideas for layers...

One of my favorites is the layer OVER the jean jacket...

I love my jean jacket...

LOVE IT...

I bought it from The GAP years ago and it is still my go to piece...

Anyway...

Today I tried this look and have to say I like it...

It is warm and unexpected...

Stylish...

Next time I am throwing a faux fur vest over it...

Yes, this is a picture of me in the bathroom mirror at work...

Color combo...

Gray, Black, Denim and Torquoise...

What do you think?

Christmas Recap Christmas Day...

2012-01-21T08:04:00.000-06:00

Four little boys and one baby girl...

Gifts exchanged...

Yummy traditional Christmas meal...

The first year my sister and her family lived back home...

What a wonderful gift to be able spend the Holiday together...

Getting to know these precious babes has been so fun...

Christmas Recap Christmas Morning...

2012-01-20T05:54:00.001-06:00

There are no pictures of the best part of Christmas Morning...
In fact I completely missed it...

After Santa finished putting together and laying out the toys it was 1:30 am...
{BTW Santa doesn't wrap}...
Exhausted he/she retired hoping the children slept until at least 5:30...

At 3:00 am a little voice exclaimed from the hallway...

"Mom, there's a YOT of toys in there"...
It took me a few seconds before my brain registered the meaning behind the words...
And once it did I flew out of bed to find my baby pointing at the many Santa gifts that had been found and unfortunately played with...
I quickly gathered him and brought him back to bed but not before he woke his brother by announcing "broder there's a YOT of toys in there"...
My parents arrived at 5:15 am...
The boys were more than ready to get up...
And in the end I snapped a few pictures...
But I knew the best moments were those Kam spent playing early that morning...
Next year Santa wraps...

Christmas Recap Christmas Eve Evening...

2012-01-18T00:23:00.008-06:00

The evening before Christmas...

Used to be a time for our big family and close friends to gather for sandwiches or chili...

Play board games and have a Yankee gift exchange...

As I have gotten older...

Had children of my own...

Lost those we love along the way...

Christmas Eve evening has changed...

We are trying to sort things out...

Find new traditions...

And this year when our big family gathered...

Though still aching from our recent loss...

We rejoiced in our recent addition...

Though I adore this baby girl...

More than anything else...

I was able to celebrate Christmas with these two people...

And I can't seem to find the words...

To describe how incredibly grateful...

Deeply grateful...

For the gift of more time with my grandparents...

When so many in Joplin were grieving...

I was able to hug them...

Wish them a Merry Christmas...

There really are no words...

Christmas Recap Christmas Eve Morning...

2012-01-17T15:56:00.003-06:00

When I was growing up...

Christmas Eve morning was when my parents, sister and I exchanged our gifts with each other...

My sister and I always got PJ's from my Mom and Dad {unless for some reason my dad went out on limb and bought me a shower head}...

And sometimes a few other little things...

This year we adopted that tradition...

Giving the boys a few gifts from us...

And allowing them to exchange gifts that they picked out for each other...

Before you see these pictures however...

I must tell you I did not dress them for bed...

Of the 50 different sets of Christmas pj's my boys have...

I would have never chosen John Deere and a rocket shirts...

With that being said...

Here is Christmas Eve morning...

Ripping into packages...

Checking out the "goods" {why should Santa get all the credit?}...

Christmas Recap Official Santa Visit...

2012-01-16T13:15:00.003-06:00

Christmas Recap School Parties...

2012-01-15T15:04:00.002-06:00

Christmas Recap School Programs...

2012-01-13T20:41:00.001-06:00

Cookies from our birthday party for Jesus...

(They played a song with bells ~ they knew it was their turn to ring based on the color card the teacher held up)

(They used sign language to "sing" Silent Night ~ bringing me to tears)

This Mommy was incredibly proud!!!!!

The Photos For The Christmas Cards I Never Sent...

2012-01-05T02:24:00.001-06:00

In the hustle and bustle sometimes you can't do it all...

Sometimes something as important and expected as Christmas cards gets pushed aside...

I did send a "virtual" card to friends {even going as far as to post on Facebook and my blog}...

But our impromptu photo shoot for cards that never came to fruition must be shared...

{Kam's smile this year...}

{Aidan trying to mimic it}...

{No photo shoot would be complete without my two boys wrestling}...

{How about a card with a foot as the focal point?}...

Apparently, these pictures are just cracking Aidan up...

At the time, me?

Not so much...

In hindsight...

Absolutely!...

Soaking It In...

2011-12-31T04:01:00.000-06:00

Soon we will take down the decorations...

The house will no longer sparkle and shine...

But tonight my handsome hubby and I stole a few hours together to watch a movie by the light of the tree...

Saying good-bye to Christmas...

Saying good-bye to 2011...

My Little Explorers...

2011-12-28T09:00:00.001-06:00

Kannon's Mischief...

2011-12-21T17:00:00.001-06:00

I do my best...

To make each morning magical...

To give them something to look forward to when I get home from work...

A Christmas activity each day in our advent calendar...

{courtesy of the elf of course}...

Painting, movies, books to read, local light displays, funny hats and Dollar Tree shopping for gifts from the boys...

And my hope...

{as I stay up later and get up earlier}...

Is that...

Even though one day their hand will no longer reach for mine...

They will have families of their own {GASP}...

And will no longer run from their bedrooms to see where the elf has landed...

When they look back...

Christmas will not have only been about the PRESENTS they receive...

But about the gifts of the season...

Love...

Joy...

Family...

And

Faith...

The greatest gifts we will ever give...

To the most precious gifts we were ever given...

I am linking to a super fun Elf on the Shelf party here...

Second Annual Polar Express...

2011-12-21T00:49:00.000-06:00

Last year we took the boys to Branson for a ride on the Polar Express...
Some of our best friends and their kiddos joined us...

But Kam was a little too young and Daddy spent most of the trip chasing him around the train...

This year our friends made it an annual event...
And with the boys being older...
It was a magical event for all...

Finding the bell still rings for each of us...

It's The Unexpected That Gets Me...

2011-12-17T08:48:00.002-06:00

This week it was Little Debbie cakes...

In the middle of Dollar General...

Last weekend it was the Alfred Dunner Outlet...

Other times it's a photo I wasn't expecting to see...

A snapshot of her opening a Christmas gift from my Aidan Kale...

The way she smiled broadly as if a strainer was something she'd wanted for her entire life...

A photo of her in 3-D glasses...
Watching Cats and Dogs in the movie theater...

And just when I think it's safe...

I dry my tears and am forging ahead...

The unexpected strikes like a paper cut...
Painful and bleeding...
Tender for a few days...
We don't expect the holidays to be easy...
We know they will be difficult...
Filled with the reminder of loss...
But when you lose a loved one...
Whom you've never known life without...
Whose being was so closely intertwined with your own...
There is the bittersweet realization that the memories you cherish are the ones that will also bring you to your knees...
For the most part our daily routine has returned...
Our lives are back to normal...
A new normal...
Dealing with the unexpected as it arises...
Missing her every single day...

Merry Christmas from Our Family to YOURS...

2011-12-16T06:03:00.000-06:00

Free digital ecard generated with Smilebox

Saving Lives One Day At A Time...

2011-12-13T11:32:00.000-06:00

I Tried To Take Pictures for Our Christmas Cards...

2011-12-08T13:14:00.000-06:00

I am at a loss for where Aidan Kale came up with this pose...

Needless to say...

We are trying again...

I'm Not Gonna Lie...

2011-12-06T09:22:00.000-06:00

This little cutie is growing on me...

Hanging Christmas Lights...

2011-12-04T23:42:00.002-06:00

My husband did this...

And even looking at these pictures scares me to death...

Sometimes it is better if I don't know things until they are over...

Forgiveness rather than permission I suppose...

But in the end...

The lights looked beautiful...

And my baby made it down safe and sound...

A Dear Friend's Engagment...

2011-12-04T19:56:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine asked me to take their engagment pictures...

I was honored and had such a great time capturing their relationship in frames...

Aren't they the perfect couple...

The Mantel, Or Is It Mantle?

2011-12-01T02:38:00.002-06:00

I love having one...

And decorating one...

But I do not love the word...

Any word that can be spelled two different ways and be completely acceptable...

Is just not "comfortable"...

So I consulted Webster...

And found that a definition for Mantel is "a shelf above a fireplace"...

PERFECT!

However because I just can't leave well enough alone...

I also discovered a definition of Mantle is "the outer wall and casing of a blast furnace above the hearth; broadly : an insulated support or casing in which something is heated"...

Not exactly...

So the verdict...

In my humble opinion because everything must be black and white...

This is our Christmas MANTEL...

Which do you prefer?...

The Elf Is Everywhere But The Shelf...

2011-11-29T23:37:00.001-06:00

'Tis the season...
And this marks our second year with Kannon the Elf...

He made his appearance on Sunday morning BUT almost didn't come back on Monday...

However, Kannon believed Aidan and Kam deserved a second chance...

(Ignore the dust on the top of my refrigerator!!)...

Aidan was sweating it and was very relieved to see this little guy return...

Today we awoke to find Kannon playing Memory...

Aidan asked a bunch of questions about HOW the Elf could have gotten into the hall closet...

And why he didn't get a "match"...

And Kam was mad that the elf was playing HIS game...

We are off to a great start this Christmas season!...

Stay tuned for more of Kannon's adventures...

Then and Now ~ Six Months Later...

2011-11-23T17:06:00.002-06:00

A tornado doesn't discriminate...

There is no rhyme or reason for what it destroys and what it leaves behind...

Six months later...

For some of the fortunate ones like my Grandparents...

This...

Has become...

This...

But it has come at a price...

My Grandpa and Grandma are not the same people...

They are tired..

Shaken...

Replacing all they have acquired in the last seven decades...

Yet finding things daily that are still missing...

More than anything though...

They are grateful...

I am grateful...

In the month we count our blessings...

We will give thanks...

That even though our family was affected...

We walked away intact...

We will all gather around the table tomorrow...

Hold hands and bow our heads...

A tornado does not discriminate...

But it cannot compete with the protection our Heavenly Father...

Time...

2011-11-22T05:56:00.000-06:00

The hours in a day...

Minutes in an hour...

Seconds in a minute...

Are thine enemy...

Passing slowly...
Longing for fast forward...

Flying by in a blur...
Pleading for rewind...

A Mommy aches as she places a new photo in a frame...

Comparing the face to the one it will cover...

The same yet different...

She must come to terms with the irony of pushing them to grow up...
Regretting when they do...
The belief that we are ready...
That our hearts are ever prepared for the overwhelming loss of words...
To describe how deeply we love...
The lengths we go...
The sacrifices we make...
Every decision surrounded by anxiety...
Full of doubt...
Yet never doubting the decision to become your Mommy...

Daddy Take My Picture...

2011-11-13T02:51:00.000-06:00

He's what you would call a ham...

Finding every opportunity to make us laugh...

Then asking us to document it on film...

And who are we not to oblige...

Trick or Treat...TREAT for sure!

2011-11-12T11:51:00.000-06:00

This year for the first time my boys and my sister's boys all got to trick or treat together...

Next year we will have little Jaylan to join our fun...

Welcome Kash...

2011-11-09T21:05:00.000-06:00

I am not a dog person...

I say that and mean it...

When my husband and I got married he had two dogs that I wasn't crazy about...

And they weren't crazy about me...

For the sake of argument he gave them away...

So when the hermit crabs proved extremely boring and Aidan and Kam started asking for a dog...

I felt myself start to weaken...

I heard myself asking Keegan about different breeds...

Researching the top ten family dogs...

And then we found G-8 (a.k.a Kash)...

An AKC registered Vizsla who doesn't shed, bark much, smell or need grooming...

Who is extremely protective and loyal...

And to top it all off is a bird dog {my husband likes to hunt dove}...

Who was delivered to our doorstep on Sunday, November 6th...

Becoming the fifth member of our little family...

And even if this "not really a dog person" girl absolutely did not bond with this puppy {which she did}...

I can promise that these smiles...

Are all I needed to reassure me that our family NEEDED a Dog...

We needed our little Kash...

Halloween Party Plan B...

2011-11-09T00:50:00.002-06:00

I found the battery operated Halloween lanterns...

Bat and ghost shaped cookie cutters...

Had plates, napkins, cups and goody bag treats...

And planned a hayride through our subdivision...

But when I realized my Grandma wasn't going to make it...

I knew I couldn't handle the stress of hosting a Halloween party for our boys and their closest friends...

At first I refused to cancel...

I LOVE to host...

But when texting one of my closest friends she spelled it all out in capital letters...

CANCEL THE PARTY!...

I did...

That wonderful friend gave me permission to give myself a break...

Grandma passed away on October 28th and the party was supposed to happen on October 29th...

I must admit my friend was more than right...

And on October 29th we met the boys' same little friends and their parents at Chuck E Cheese's...

We let the kids wear their costumes and ate cardboard pizza...

I even made Halloween cookies and put together treat bags...

And I must admit we had a good time...

And I am pretty sure everyone else did too!...

Thank you friends for being so understanding and flexible...

We are incredibly blessed to have each of your families in our lives...

Happy Halloween...

2011-10-31T16:30:00.001-05:00

When the costume talk started at our house...
Kam quickly picked Woody {Yoody}...

And Aidan followed theme choosing Sarge {Army Man from Toy Story}...

I ordered their costumes months in advance...
{Proud of myself for being so on top of things}...

And Wednesday morning dressed them for their pre-school parties...

I dressed Aidan first...
All was well until I painted his face and it started to dry...

He wasn't very happy...
In fact he hated it...

Kam was just as thrilled as he could be with "Yoody"...
And of course once he was dressed big brother decided he wanted to be Woody as well...

I promised him I would try to find another costume but for now he had to be an army man...

Aidan cried the entire way to his school party...

Until I felt terrible {for no reason} and found the exact same costume {out of stock at the Disney Store} on mobile eBay for $59.99...

Once we got to the school I told Aidan I would wash the paint off his face BUT...

He decided he needed it fixed instead...

His teachers and friends thought he looked GREAT and with all the attention...

You guessed it...

He was happy being an Army Man...
They both sang their pumpkin songs while I proudly snapped pictures...

Aidan's second costume should arrive today...
Is it too much to hope for that he might want to be Woody next year?

And The Greatest of These Is Love...

2011-10-28T13:55:00.004-05:00

The day I was born, She was 4 months shy of 50...

He had just turned 53...

Her hair was dark, Her hands not yet crippled with arthritis...

His hair was thick and His hands were always stained the color of a hard working welder...

They attended every softball game, clarinet recital, party and graduation...
She shared her books (introduced me to Jodi Picoult but wouldn't touch James Patterson) and signed my birthday cards...
She wore jewelry, but not earrings since her ears were never pierced...
And on summer afternoons she sat patiently in her comfy chair as I perched on its arm trying on every bangle bracelet and ring...
Asking again and again the story behind each piece...

He fixed things I broke (my oil pan)...
Brought my lunch when I forgot...
Was my taxi when I missed the bus...
And gave solicited and unsolitcited advice on cars, jobs, houses, my attitude and more...
When I graduated from my Masters program with honors he carried the program showing his friends...
I stopped by a couple times a week and we watched Wheel of Fortune...

Played Scrabble, Boggle, Dominoes, Skip-Bo and Horseshoes...

They both cheated terribly at Guesstures every Christmas Eve (She used sign language; He resorted to sounds)...

I ate lunch with them at the Senior Center...

Took them to Shoney's buffet for Grandparents day...
Cracker Barrel for birthdays...
When we left each other I kissed her forehead and his cheek...
And he kissed my cheek right back...
It was a running joke from the time I was small that I wasn't afraid to tell him when he needed to shave...

I watched as they celebrated 40, 50 and 59 years of marriage...

He always sent her roses...

On November 23rd, 2005 at the age of 82, he lost his heroic battle with cancer...

We cried over the loss of a father, grandfather, friend...

She slept with his t-shirt...

And grieved the man she'd loved for almost 6 decades...
The handsome young man she stood up on their first date...
Yet eloped with at the age of 19 late one night in May 1946...

The man whose 6 children she bore...

The man she stood beside as they said good-bye to their baby girl, their parents, their grandson...

For better or worse...
To sleep with, fight with, make-up with and laugh with...
'Til death do they part...

Not a day goes by that I don't wish he could have met my boys...
Saw me as the Mommy I never knew I could be...

But she was there to hold them on their first day of life...

To tell me how impressed she was that I had my babies so quickly...
Often praising my skills as a Momma...

I don't recall when she started needing oxygen 24 hours a day...
When macular degeneration stole her sight and she stopped wearing glasses...
Caught up in dirty diapers, midnight feedings, Hirschsprung's Disease, work, school and more...
We stopped playing games and she stopped reading...
I no longer stopped by after work...
Nor did I call as often...
I saw her during birthday parties and Holidays but could hardly ever just sit and visit...
My mom would let me know each time she went to the hospital or wasn't feeling well and I would silently promise to spend more time with her...
But long gone where the days where time was my own...
Yet she never complained...
About a month ago she started having even more difficulty breathing coupled with chest pains...
Doctors drained her lungs and the area around her heart of excess fluid...
Diagnosed her with Lupus and discharged her to an intermediate facility for rehab...
In a shared room not much bigger than my cubicle she gave up...
And for the last two evenings I have sat by her hospital bed crying and praying because I know I am losing her...
She has aspiration pnemonia that has turned septic... She has asked to be taken off the trach tube...
And they have stopped clearing her lungs of fluid...
She is sedated most of the time...
But will occasionally nod or shake her head when asked questions...
She knows I am there...
I tell her I love her...
It is just a matter of time...
Minutes, hours, days...
She is 85 years old and ready to join him in heaven...
My heart is heavy and aches as I unsuccessfully come to terms with the inevitable...
But I remind myself the risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief...
And without their love...
The unconditional love of my Grandma and a Grandpa...
I would not be who I am today...
And if given the choice...
I would unregrettably choose grief...
Loving and being loved by them for however short a time...
I had 29 years with Grandpa...
I've had 35 with Grandma...
More time than most...
Though selfishly it will never be enough...
The rational part of me is incredibly grateful...
And when the time comes...
It brings such comfort and joy to know he waits for her...
That he will take her hand and say "come on Mom" just like no time has passed at all...
Her hair will be dark and his will be thick...
Their hands free of arthritis and age spots...
Neither will be in pain...
They will reunite with family and friends they lost along the way...
And two halves will once again be made whole...
For all of eternity...

10 Reasons to Love Fall...

2011-10-23T23:45:00.001-05:00

Two...

The Carthage Maple Leaf Parade...

10 Reasons To Love Fall...

2011-10-19T23:05:00.001-05:00

ONE...
Visiting The Pumpkin Patch...

Halloween Decor...

2011-10-13T09:57:00.001-05:00

My boys are more excited than ever about Halloween this year...

Spooky Ooky we call it...

And anytime my boys are excited about something...

I feel like I should maximize the experience for them...

Though I went to bed later than usual several nights in a row...

Our home is ready for October 31st...

{I made the wreath out of yarn and felt}...

Spray painted a Fall Wreath that was on its last leg black...

And added a bird...

Found $1 Feather Boas at Dollar General and wound them around a wreath form...

Spray painted pumpkins silver and added a web and glow in the dark spider...

And until we carve our very own Jack...

I decorated these pumpkins with furniture tacks...

Are you scared?

October 4th...

2011-10-12T10:37:00.000-05:00

It came and went...

Five years celebrated with dinner and promises of a weekend getaway...

He sent flowers...

And bought me boots I was too cheap to buy myself...

I made him a photo book encompassing the last 20 years {since our first date}...

And bought him a watch he picked out...

We gave each other cards that mentioned not having enough time to spend together...

Tell each other "I Love You"...

And "Thank You"...

Getting wrapped up in the necessities of today...

But sitting across from him by candlelight...

At a restaurant we've been in together and apart many times...

We talked and laughed...

I wore a short dress...

Tall boots...

And for one night put it all aside to be his wife...

To celebrate the last 1,825 days...

{Only calling once to check on the boys}...
As we reviewed how we got from point A to point B...
We held hands...
Decided to go home rather than go out...
And promptly fell asleep on the couch...
Together...
FIVE years down
FOREVER to go...

Little Reminders That I Am Doing OK...

2011-10-05T10:57:00.003-05:00

Just when I feel like I am failing on so many levels...

I open the refrigerator...

And glance at a drawing held to the door with a magnet...

Aidan Kale's artwork from his first day of school this year...

I finally stop and really SEE it...

And I know I made the right decision when I took off the entire day they started school...

I put my boys first when it really mattered...

And a tiny bit of my working mom guilt subsided...

Maybe they do notice how hard I work to BE there...

Maybe I don't ALWAYS fail...

Smiling I know I will keep this drawing front and center as a reminder...

Maybe a little for them...

But a LOT for me...

And in that moment I felt like a GOOD mom...

Do you see what I see?

I Don't Know How She Does It...

2011-09-30T16:18:00.004-05:00

Simple...

She DOESN'T...

Or at least she doesn't do anything well...

Once an OCD sufferer {who has been known to clean her ceiling fan in her birthday suit on her way to the shower when she glanced up and saw dust}...

Currently has only cleaned her house once in 6 months...

Whose idea of having the laundry caught up is baskets full of clean clothes sitting in various places {where she has carried them pretending that she might fold them} throughout the house...

Who finds amazing decorating ideas on Pinterest...

Pins them, buys the supplies...

But never gets around to attempting most of them...

Who says parenting comes first yet spends at least 9 hours a day commuting and working...

And then comes home irritated with the people who have cursed at her all day to a full sink of dirty dishes...

Unfolded laundry...

Boxes of decorations needing to be displayed perfectly for Halloween...

And two boys who want to help...

BUT who she will quickly lose her temper with because she can't get it all done...

So instead of putting them to bed and doing dishes, folding laundry...

She will fall asleep in one of their beds, snuggling them...

Hoping they know she adores them...

Smelling their sweet, sweaty heads and praying that God watches over and protects them...

And the next morning she will get up and start all over again...

Generally 5 minutes late to a work meeting...

Riddled with guilt over the attention she could not give when Kam asked for her to hold him...

Or Aidan begged her to stay home...

Knowing she fell asleep rather than spending time with her husband...

And that he is probably feeling a little neglected as well...

The employee who never has any vacation or sick leave because she's exhausted both during maternity leave, Bowel Management in Cincinnati, various school events and sick kiddos...

Who would rather resort to a pill for weight loss because it requires way less time than exercise...

Does it sound like she does it all?

NO...

I can promise she doesn't...

Because that person is me...

And every single day I know I fail in everything I do just a little bit...

But failing my kids hurts my soul...

Makes me doubt my worth...

For now my body must physically sit in a cubicle...

But not my heart...

I just started reading "I Don't Know How She Does It"

in preparation for seeing the movie {I have to read the book first or I won't read it after I see the movie - weird I know}...

And within the first chapter was such raw honesty I immediately fell in love...

Now let's just hope I can find time to read the entire book before it's due back at the library and I accumulate enough in late fees that I could have just bought the book...
{I have actually tried reading while driving}

SIGH...

How do you manage it all?

Pre-K...

2011-09-26T21:16:00.003-05:00

After much deliberation...

We moved Aidan Kale up from Primary {where his friends from toddler class would be} to the Pre-K class this year...

He is one of the youngest in his class...

His very good friend switched schools...

I do not know his teacher from High School...

And we are not Facebook friends {which means I cannot message her at midnight when I am freaking out}...

But what breaks my heart more than any of that...

What shakes my Mommy heart to its core...

Is that this year...

HE cares...

He wants to make friends...

He wants to be liked...

He stresses out about being late...

Not getting his "boa" project completed...

Because when he walks into his classroom as I stand back and he greets the entire room with "hi guys"...

I cannot protect him...

I cannot logically expect {though I prefer to be illogical} his teacher to treat him any differently than the other 11 students...

To her he is Aidan...

M,W,F...

Her job is to prepare him for Kindergarten...

To me he is my first born...
The baby I carried for 9 months...
And everyday he goes to school I worry...
This isn't his first year...
But it is the first year that he isn't in diapers...
He could have an accident...
They might say he isn't ready for Kindergarten...
Another child might hurt his feelings...
So while he is obviously ready for the school year...

Mommy clearly isn't...

And though I won't be there to watch over my boys...

At least they can take care of each other...

School Days...

2011-09-26T01:47:00.000-05:00

Kamden Kane 2-years...

Toddler Class...

Teachers...

Miss Erin and Miss Chelsey...

My baby isn't a baby anymore...

This Is Why I Watch Grey's...

2011-09-25T02:08:00.001-05:00

Meredith: You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother.
-----------------------------------

{cue my tears}

~I couldn't have said it better myself~

Not Just ANY Drive Thru...

2011-09-18T01:14:00.000-05:00

One Sunday morning when husband had to work...

The boys and I piled into our SUV and drove to Exotic Animal Paradise in Strafford, Missouri...

Normally I don't attempt taking the boys out of town by myself...

BUT Exotic Animal Paradise is a DRIVE-THRU Zoo...

Which the boys and I found to be more fun than any other zoo we had ever been to...

Where else can you feed animals right outside your car window?...

Come face to face with THIS...

Or a very hungry zebra...

Have you ever been this close to a deer?

{Yes he is REAL}

Or this...???

Have you ever seen a half zebra/half donkey?...

Aidan preferred to throw his food out the window...

To animals who weren't very close...

While Kam was a little more brave...

In addition to the drive-thru zoo our admission covered a small walk-thru zoo as well...

After buying each boy a pair of Safari Binoculars...

We headed home...

Talking and laughing about the day's events...

So much so that I think Daddy felt a little left out...

But we told him we could go back sometime just for him...

Final Days of Summer...

2011-09-15T22:05:00.001-05:00

Even though it was a miserably hot summer...

We managed to have a little bit of fun here and there...

Staying in the shade as much as possible...

We made new friends...

But kept the old...

And I watched as my boys' relationship...

Grew...

Into FRIENDSHIP...

09/11: My Personal Opinion...

2011-09-13T23:37:00.004-05:00

The terrorists who planned and executed the attacks in early September ten years ago made a lot of assumptions...

Americans would be in their offices at 8:46 am on Tuesday morning...

They would board airplanes that would transport them to their destinations...

They would be completely oblivious to the possibility of such an attack, so oblivious in fact that initially it would render them speechless...

But terrorists are people who believe that their goals will be achieved through violence...

And Americans...

Are better than that...

We are imperfect but when the going gets tough...

We run into burning buildings to save complete strangers...

We revolt against armed hijackers, even if we lose our own life, trying to save the lives of others...

We make phone calls at the last minute to tell loved ones good-bye...
We cry...
We pray...
And we persevere...
We recover...
We rebuild...
Terrorists can predict our schedules...
Find ways through security...
Steal the life of those we love the most...
Our hearts will break, our history forever changed...
But there will never be a terrorist who will succeed in destroying the unbreakable spirit of Americans...
Though I can't say I am devastated that Bin Laden has been laid to rest...
My overriding wish for him is that before he took his last breath in his hole...
He realized that there is nothing he or anyone other assassin could ever do to abolish the pride, loyalty and love we have for our country...
We will NEVER forget 9/11...
It will never be just another day...
Words will never describe our horror...
But we will forever have our heros...
Our former President who prayed publically for our country...
The flags we flew...
Songs that were written...
Memorials resurrected for the innocent...
And the strength that comes from surviving a tragedy...
We will forever be the UNITED States of America...

Catch-Up...

2011-09-12T11:16:00.000-05:00

I am always playing catch-up...

Laundry...

Grocery shopping...

Cleaning house...

Work...

Blogging...

But there are two little boys I refuse to neglect...

So when you don't hear from me...

When I only post one or two things...

When we have to iron absolutely everything because I can't get it folded...

It's because we went to the park...

The zoo...

Chuck E. Cheese's...

Silver Dollar City...

We napped for 3 hours on Saturday...

Cuddled when they weren't feeling well...

We played at the once demolished by the tornado, newly reconstructed Chick-Fil-A...

Ate fried rice and noodles in the mall food court...

And made the most of the 48 hours I get with them on the weekends...

There isn't enough time...

I am always behind...

But the laundry will be there long after they're gone...

So for at least a few more years...

While I have to work full-time...

I won't do many things all that well...

But if you peek inside our messy house we will be having fun...

And when I am not falling asleep at 8:30 pm...

I will fold laundry, read my overdue library books, watch the Netflix movie we have had for two weeks, the TV shows we DVR {Bachelor Pad} and blog...

How do you DO IT ALL?

Photobook Idea...

2011-09-08T20:36:00.002-05:00

I am not creative...

Hard to believe right?...

But I am NOT...

What I am is a great copycat...

It's kind of like when I was younger...

I couldn't draw {or do anything artistic}...

But I could trace...

And once I presented my artwork it seemed to the recipient like I was incredibly talented...

So before I tell you about my fabulous new project...

Know it wasn't my idea...

There have been many versions of this floating around cyberspace...

Documenting birthdays...

First days of school...

And more...

But yesterday, on Pinterest, I found and repinned the brilliant idea to create an annual version of the above photo and use them to create a photobook...

Genius right?

The actual idea was to create a book using a first day of school picture with the child's grade and interests to give as a graduation gift...

LOVE IT...

As I started to think about this...

The possibilities seemed endless...

Photos of you and your spouse on your anniversary...

Beginning with your wedding day...

Documenting the date and significant events of that year...

Where you went on your honeymoon/anniversary...

The restaurant where you ate...

Or the meal you prepared...

Photos of your children with Grandparents starting with the first time they held the child, where they were/what they were doing in each photo and the year it was taken...

Made into a book as a gift for Gparents day...

Something similar for Father's Day...

Mother's Day...

Lots and lots of options...

What are your ideas?

A Color Scavenger Hunt...

2011-09-04T09:53:00.001-05:00

One of the many things I love about being part of the blogging community is learning from other Mom's...

I recently read a post on scavenger hunt ideas...

My very favorite idea was from I Am Momma Hear Me Roar...

She taped pictures of items to find in nature on the outside of an egg carton...

My plan was customize the same hunt for our region...

However it was so hot last week, the boys didn't want to go outside...

I made a few adjustments and came up with a color scavenger hunt...

I colored each egg crevice and asked Aidan to find a Hot Wheel that matched...

A pink car was a little diffcult to find BUT we settled on HOT pink...

The best part was Aidan had fun and didn't even realize we were working on colors!...

We'll do the outdoor version soon...

There are so many ways to personalize this awesome idea...

{Indoor and outdoor}...

What do you think?

Any suggestions?

Our "Pottery Barn" Daily System...

2011-08-31T08:58:00.004-05:00

If I had unlimited space and money I would create a daily system like Pottery Barn...

But I don't...

So my version is smaller and $240 less expensive...

I found the small square whiteboards on clearance at Michaels for $4.99 each...

{I am not crazy about the fact they are metal but they work...}

We will use one as our activities/events tracker and one as a menu planner...

The letter bin was a STEAL...

I had been searching and searching for a wall mounted organizer just like this but could NOT find anything other than Pottery Barn's version for $44 {plus tax and shipping}...

I finally found what I wanted on Bed Bath and Beyond's website for about $36...

Of course it wasn't sold at our local store and I ~~did not want to~~ HATE paying shipping...

When I went to Hobby Lobby in search of the HORRIBLY DIFFICULT TO FIND Prang water colors for Aidan's Pre-K class, I stumbled onto my coveted letter bin with key hooks for $34.95 ON SALE for an additional 50% OFF...

Yes, I was ecstatic...

I already had an "S" and decided to use it here...

However, I wasn't happy with the empty wall beside it...

Everything looked uneven...

So I took the "S" down...

It may not be PB but just fine for this house...

What do you think?... "S" or no "S"?...

A Fair To Remember...

2011-08-29T14:12:00.000-05:00

I rarely take the boys anywhere by myself...

It is A LOT of work and at times nearly impossible to help one do something while keeping the other one from running away...

But lately with my husband in school during the week and working on the weekends, the boys and I have had to venture out on our own...

Saturday I decided we would attempt to see "The Smurfs"...

We made it through the first hour before Kamden decided he wanted to leave...

Aidan of course did not...

After possibly disturbing everyone in the rows around us by Kam's fit in the aisle...

Aidan {bless his little heart} decided we could leave...

I won't bore you with the events that followed...Kam's fit because we were leaving {obviously he didn't know what he wanted}...Aidan telling him to calm down when the movie came out on DVD we could buy it...

And my crazy decision to {instead of going home and calling it a day} drive 30 minutes to a nearby Fair...

But I will tell you...

My boys and I had a GREAT time...

It wasn't easy...

Far from it...

But on the drive home as I listened to Aidan Kale and Kamden Kane talk about the rides...

The animals...

And everything in between...

I knew it didn't matter if everything we did together went perfectly...

In fact I knew it wouldn't...

All that mattered was in the end my boys would still be smiling just because we tried...

I Am A Horrible Decision Maker...

2011-08-25T08:24:00.002-05:00

I can remember being at Sears with my Grandma and Grandpa when I was younger {elementary school age}...

I can't remember if I asked or they just offered...
But they said I could have the reversible raincoat I'd been wanting...
It was a solid color on the outside and whales on the inside...

You might remember these they are currently listed on Etsy as VINTAGE...

I can remember that Sears carried pink and purple...

And that I absolutely could not pick...

I was so stressed over my decision that their once generous offer became a burden until finally my Grandpa said if I didn't pick one, I wasn't getting one...

I chose pink...

And even as they were paying {though I didn't dare say} I knew I should have chosen purple...

I tell you this story to illustrate how incredibly difficult decisions have always been for me...

So when it was time to buy bedding for Kamden's new full size bed...

It should not come as a shock that it took me TWO months to make up my mind...

I found what I wanted at Pottery Barn Kids...

However being the frugal shopper I am...

I could not bring myself to purchase the bedding at full price...

PBK does not participate in any type of cash back program like Ebates...

The only coupons I could find for PBK {a whopping 10% off} were for sale on eBay...

I even tried calling customer service to ask about 10% off since I would be making a large purchase...

They weren't impressed...

I checked eBay daily to see if I could score what I wanted at pre-owned prices {I found a few things but was shocked to find pre-owned bedding sold for as much as new}...

One evening after the boys were asleep I was once again going over which bedding I should buy with my husband...

He looked at me and said "just buy something it isn't that hard"...

I'm not gonna lie, I was a little irritated...

But a few days later...

I pulled the trigger...

I opted for less expensive sheets {$34 vs. $109) and "throw" pillows from different stores {JCPenney and Target}...

But I did buy the quilt and 2 shams {one personalized} from PBK...

And even though I think PBK is a very selfish company...

They are a brilliant company who sells good quality bedding to mothers like me who buy it regardless...

And once the bed was all made...

This little guy seemed to be right at home...

Now his room needs new curtains!?...

Dad Gum...

2011-08-18T16:42:00.001-05:00

A few Saturdays ago I took the boys to see a local attraction that until then had completely escaped me...

If you've ever watched the dialogue at the end of Mater's Tall Tales...

Then you know that Disney Pixar got its inspiration for Cars Tow Mater from a boom truck along Route 66 in Galena, KS...

So I loaded up the boys and told them we were going just a few miles down the road to meet someone special...

This is Tow Tater {Disney asked that the truck be renamed for copyright reasons}...

The boys were excited to take a seat at Mater's wheel...

We also climbed on an old Fire Truck that looked just like Red...

{Look at Red's windshield}...

{SO TERRIBLE that some people insist on vandalizing these old vehicles}...

Melba from 4 Women on the Route {where Mater can be found} also told us that a scene from the original Cars movie was inspired by this wall right here...

After some disappointment once the boys realized Mater wasn't real...

And that Lightning wouldn't be also be in attendance...

I think they had a DAD GUM good time GETTING THEIR KICKS...

On Route 66...

You Will NOT Believe This...

2011-08-17T16:55:00.002-05:00

Last week I found a brand new thrift store...

At first glance, I almost turned around and RAN back to my car...

But instead I started sifting through racks and racks of clothing...

Determining I wouldn't find much and it was a wasted trip...

Until...

I found this...

Tags still attached...

For $1.00...

Yes, that is right...

Once this mulberry shift dress was clutched tightly in my hand...

I knew there was more to be found...

At the end of my trip...

I spent $8.50...

And came home with...

Dress pictured above
A pair of Gap jeans
A pair of Old Navy stretch skinny jeans
2 pairs of shorts
2 pairs of dress pants

AND

A Ralph Lauren Polo shirt for my hubby

I am so glad I braved the unknown and gave the store a chance...

I wonder if they have a frequent shopper program?...

Do You Pin?...

2011-08-16T16:55:00.001-05:00

I am a fairly new user of Pinterest...

Only signing up in June before Aidan's 4-Year photo shoot {I wanted to keep all my inspiring photos in one place}...

But if you are a "pinner" you know there is a lot more inspiration to be found...

For example...

My summer mantel...

First I pinned this from diydesignfanatic.blogspot.com...

And then added a pin from here while browsing for Fall decor because I loved the look of layered frames...

While attempting to decorate with two boys and feeling less than creative and more in a hurry to get it done...

I referred to these images...

And though not nearly as perfect as the original...

I was pleased with the end result...

FYI...these pictures were taken with my iPhone and edited my new favorite free app Instagram...

Find me on Pinterest here...

{WARNING~it's addicting}...

My First Edited Photo...

2011-08-15T21:42:00.001-05:00

I have searched the Internet looking for Photoshop Elements tutorials...

Frustrated because I prefer written to video {weird I know}...

But finally...

Something clicked...

And I understood just enough to actually do a little editing...

What do you think?

I'm a Craigslist Scammer...

2011-08-13T12:02:00.003-05:00

I love using Craigslist...

In fact, since finding the iphone app, I take pictures of the items and load them into Craigslist all with my iphone which makes the process so much easier...

In the last few weeks I've sold two patio sets, an outdoor rug, and nursery furniture...

After deciding my husband was right and the kid's safety trampoline I had purchased for Kamden's birthday in February was too big for our living room, I posted an ad...

For a week I didn't get any calls and assumed it would not sell...

Then one day out of the blue someone wanted to come look at it...

I made an appointment for that evening and when asked, I told the caller I would not take any less than the $30 price listed...

He showed up with his beautiful wife and two little girls earlier than expected as the boys and I pulled into the driveway {just coming from a major melt-down on Aidan Kale's part at Walmart which had people stopping to stare}...

He looked the trampoline over as Kam showed him how it worked...

His tricks...

And I once again told him "no, I wouldn't take less than $30"...

He asked if his girls could come in and jump on the trampoline {they were still in the car with his wife} and I agreed...

The girls came in and jumped happily...

Until Kam said "myyyyy turn"...

I told him these little girls would be taking his trampoline to their house to play...

He immediately started getting upset...

"Myyyyy tampoline"...

"Myyyyy TAMPOLINE"...

The little girls took their shoes off and jumped some more...

Kam wanted his shoes off...

Then my baby started to cry...

All of a sudden having an orange and blue trampoline as the focal point of my living room wasn't a big deal...

Just as the little girls were getting the hang of bouncing, smiling ear to ear, the Dad handed me $30...

I felt sick...

And more than a little panicked...

I looked at Kamden one last time and said "are you sure they can't take your trampoline to their house?"...

"NOOOOOOOOO"...

"I will buy you another toy"...

"NOOOOOOOOO, MY TAMPOLINE, MY TURN BOUNCE"...

And so the Mommy in me did what I had to do...

I started to cry {why I have NO idea}, told the father of two little girls {with an uncomfortable expression on his face} that I could not sell the trampoline, and handed him his $30...

He said "Um, ok" as he peeled his children off the no-longer-for-sale toy...

His wife attempted a half-hearted smile saying "we'll keep looking" when what she possibly wanted to say was "we drove 30 minutes one way and my children were told they could have it, you shouldn't have put in on Craigslist if you didn't want someone to buy it"...

As they practically ran out my front door, Aidan looked at Kam and said "Bubby that wasn't very nice"...

And Kam {unphased} moved on to play with one of his smaller toys...

I quickly logged into my Craigslist account and deleted the ad, half expecting my account to be cancelled or an alert posted "beware of this seller" on my profile...

But all was fine...

And when my husband came home that night from work, I told him my story...

He just shook his head...

As for the trampoline, well Kam hasn't jumped on it since...
Which I'm not gonna lie, is a little frustrating...
Maybe I should post an ad on Craigslist?...

Greener Grass...

2011-08-11T16:45:00.067-05:00

I just started reading a book by the author of Eat, Love, Pray that examines the relationship between expectations and contentment...

Expectations are abundant...
Marriage, careers, children, material possessions, friendships, etc...

I was raised, as most children today are...

Reach for the stars...
Never settle...
Sky's the limit...
Be all you want to be...

Until life fails to meet those expectations...

Girls dream of Prince Charming sweeping them off their feet...

And while it's possible to fall in love with what seems like Prince Charming...

Inevitably he will disappoint, break your heart, fail to take out the trash...

What then...

Do we subscribe to the belief that Charming is still out there?...

Now don't get me wrong...

I am not on some soap box preaching about what is right and wrong...

I am more or less just mulling over the idea that changing expectations might have an overall increase in contentment...

The truth is I am deeply in love with my husband...

In fact I still feel giddy when I see his number on my phone's caller ID...

BUT my "expectations" and belief that I deserved nothing short of a fairytale did unfortunately create a major road block that lasted 15 LONG years...

We were dating...

He wasn't perfect...

I thought I was...

We argued...

He didn't always think I was right...

I thought I could find greener grass...

Yet I ended up right back where I started...

My husband's theory is that I only wanted him back because he wouldn't come back to me after I broke his heart...

But I completely disagree...

I was 15 and thought the world awaited me and all I had to offer...

Please do not misunderstand me...

There is nothing wrong with having dreams and trying to make those dreams come true...

BUT are those dreams and whether we reach them an accurate measure of success?...
And if in fact our "dreams" do come true why is there no guarantee of happiness?...
Is it possible we are missing vital ingredients?...
As I sit in a town I swore I would escape...
In a job I never thought would be permanent...
Married to the man who proved I would NOT find greener grass...
Experiencing indescribable joy as the mother of my two boys...
I have to believe my aspirations were missing more than a pinch of salt...
Based solely on what I thought my future should look like rather than what my heart really wanted...
It's a good thing life often throws us a curve ball or we might not end up right where we were supposed to be all along...